WATCH THIS VIDEO! WATCH THIS VIDEO!

Sorry about the all caps up there in the title but, seriously, this video is AH-MAZING. it's four minutes of crazy 1991 pastel-colored goodness. So much fantastic. This is SIZZZZLAAAAHHHHH...

It really looks like this is a recruitment tool for some wack a doo cult that's really into salad bars and family feedin' cuts of beef. From the weird sea captain and the little girl he's apparently kidnapped to the guy dressed like a cartoon sailor and his date strolling through the dockyard to the black guy and his daughter who never ever leave the merry-go-round to the lady getting to second base with the sneezeguard. also there's workers, a dude in a parking lot with a giant cell phone, an oddly faced girl playing baseball by herself, burgers, seafood, big hair and AMERICA! All topped off with a voice at the very end hissing, "Sizzzzzlllaaahhh."

Also at one point I think I saw Sneezeguard girl macking on Scott Baio.

According to the Huffington Post,  the video was, in fact, produced to sell franchises and played at the company’s annual meeting. "We’re very humbled by the thousands of wonderful posts from our customers," Kristina Van Bruggen, Sizzler USA vice president of marketing, said in an emailed statement Wednesday. "Sizzler is and has always been a special place for American families. We are thrilled this video is touching so many people and stirring such positive feelings about our country. Sizzle on, America, sizzle on!"

Riighhhhttt.

(postscript: In 2000, over 60 people became ill and a young girl died in an outbreak of E. coli O157:H7 that originated at a Sizzler restaurant in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. In 2006, all 28 Sizzler restaurants across Australia suspended salad bar service after rat poison was found in two of their Brisbane restaurants.)