TOP FIVE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS (you won’t keep.)
Happy 2015, everybody! Let's make this year less sucktastic, shall we?
As 2015 draws near, and 2014 goes back to whatever dark basement it crawled out of, we here in the real world are making resolutions and setting goals, some of us solidly breaking them right after we set them. In the final tally, it's all about being a better person, both to yourself, the people around you and to All Great JuJu Bangee, The Mighty Decider Who Hides In The Cabinets Of The Terrible Sky Kitchen. Here is a quickly tossed together list of the top five resolutions folks are making, with some random typing about them by me. And remember, in the words of the Matt Who Is Siegal, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate." All Hail JuJu.
Yes. Does it not feel that you are chained to your cubicle, that you trod the the same path every day between your bed of sleeping and your place of pay checking? How hard would it be to simply break this cycle with a little more Life Enjoying? How, you ask? Start small, I would suppose. Toss your kids an extra hug here and there, throw the old lady a sly wink and casually dropped compliment. Ya know, grease the wheels of domesticity with carefully applied dollops of happy, what ever the hell that means. Then figure out a way to afford yourself equal time for YOUR happiness. I'm not suggesting a full scale shirking of your day to day responsibilities. I'm just saying you owe it to yourself to surprise yourself once in a while. Take the long way to work, have lunch on a highway median, visit a museum without any pants on, take your life in your hands and open that sucker up. Or, you know, whatever. I'm just thinking out loud here.
Oh praise JuJu, yes please and thank you. This little master/slave relationship you have with Big Tobacco, that makes you stand out in the cold in little knots of other users, this has got to stop. How about this, twice a year, light about five hundred dollars on fire and mail the ashes to R.J Reynolds. Do you know your not allowed to smoke in their offices, by the way? Hmmm, this year's death sticks are laced with 1786 thousand chemicals, including irony. And you smell like grandma's old mildewed curtains. Hey, I'm not gonna tell you how to run your life. Just get off the teat, is what I'm saying. You don't look cool, you're screwing up your health and you're pretty much walking around sucking on the tailpipe of an '82 Ford Granada. Whatever.
Oh, JuJu, why did you choose that instrument to play? What are you in the cavalry? What have you got against a nice bassoon, anyway? Even dudes who play the bagpipes find you annoying. Uh...wait a minute.
According to recent studies I read about one time in a waiting room when somebody had taken all the good magazines, over 66 percent of American can be categorized as obese. Yup, this includes your dear author as well. Hell, I don't think I've ever worked at a radio station where someone DIDN'T have the diabeettus. The radio diet, hastily eaten meals in a night kitchen, meals delivered through a window or years of grazing your way through the station vending machine do take their toll, lemme tell ya. So join me and of course HE WHO IS JUJU HAIL JUJU WISE TALL AND QUITE FUN AT PARTIES, as we put on our determined hats and fight the gut this year. Eat some cauliflower, cut down on the delicious Ultimate Cheeseburgers, park further away from work just to get some extra walking in, sprint to and fro around the office, essay some deep knee bends in the break room instead of speed eating your way through three packages of HOHO's, do with me the small things that keep the gut from resting on the counter when your standing in front of it.
It's a damn shame when people let their brains calcify. That thing between and behind your eyes and unibrow is a freaking sponge. You see what happens to a sponge when you don't water it? Eeeew. And folks are walking around with that for the rest of lives. One of these shames of growing up is the death of your innate curiosity. We're bloody born with it and this awful arrangement called day to day living just seems to grind it out of you. It's still in there, though. Hope is not lost. Listen, your mouth isn't the only thing that needs to fed. This year, grab up your industrial fun mind trowel and start gifting your brain to new horizons and pastures aglow with knowledge and insight. Learning a language is a great starter. I would suggest Chinese. Learn it before it becomes mandatory, if you know I'm saying. Visit a library, fer JuJu's sake. Take up an interesting extension class at the community college. Learn to play the bugle.
Okay, maybe not that last one.
Yeah. One thing you realize...and by realize I mean: are smacked hard upside the face with on a daily basis, is how fast this ride really goes. Everybody ages super fast, days go buy like a game of 52 Pick Up in a high wind. Where did all this gray hair come from? Why is my two year old suddenly sixteen and behind the wheel of an Oldsmobile? You just want it to slow down, but time continues to rush past like a herd of buffalo. Even new year's eves are starting to blur together. So, I would say take this year, this gift of 2015, to realize the amazing group of humans in your life, the friends and family, all of them. And, as annoying as they all can be, go out of your way to share your time with these fellow travelers, these co-stars in the movie of your life. Somebody said you're only allotted a set amount of heartbeats per life, don't waste them in isolation. And if I'm quoting an eighties Amy Grant song there, I humbly apologize.
Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda.
Anyway, enjoy your New Year's Eve. I'm spending mine the best way I know how, surrounded by friends and family, watching a Marx Brothers' Movie Marathon. Now that's how you pass the time.
P.S: The day after your New Year's Eve party can be like a splash of cold coffee, poured right into your face. And speaking of coffee, remember that time that guy from Kiss embarrassed himself by starring in a Folger's commercial? No, you don't, becuase Folger's came to their senses and never released the commercial. You can see why right HERE!
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